Laughter Chasing Fear

Most of the time, my life is one hot mess… And so when I make any kind of big, solid decision its a bigger deal than I care to admit (remember, still a hot mess over here) About a month ago I decided to take a leap, and go visit a seminary that is in Kentucky. It isn't a hop, skip, and a jump away, so a plan had to be made. As all of the details were coming together, I began to be hopeful, that maybe after that weekend more of life would be figured out and I would get a glimpse of God's plan being worked out. But, life is messy and as the weekend approached, life happened and the trip came to a halt. It could have been half thrown together and happened, but I had to make a hard decision, to let go of my need for answers and control, and release it to God. Well…. the hot mess came to surface in a whole new way. Nothing about me had it together that night. What was simply plans changing, turned into a deep struggle with an insecure future and a heart that needs (wants) to h...

Love has always been one of my greatest passions. Love has always been one of my greatest struggles. Yesterday was such a great day. I am not the biggest fan of the heat, but recently, any opportunity to take my hammock outside and just enjoy the weather has been so good. Yesterday, I had that opportunity and decided it would go nicely with Jesus and some coffee. When I sat down and started reading a message from a friend serving in Africa, she mentioned a song called Through and Through by Will Reagan, and it blew me away. The words were a cry at the heart of how God sees every fiber of who we are, and still loves us the same. I listened and it got my mind spinning for the evening. I later went to my friends apartment to watch a movie and I wasn't expecting what happened. Conversation went on and a slight comment was made, about confidentiality. No one picked up on it, but I did. It wasn't anything apparently huge, but it hit my heart like a ton of bricks. It remained in ...

As a little girl, I was taught the "motions" of prayer. You clasp your hands together, bow your head, close your eyes, and then talk to God. Many know versions of the "God is great, God is good, let us thank him for our food"  My pawpaw even has a classic prayer that most of the kids and grandkids will repeat silently along with him as we sit down for a meal. Prayers changed to thank you(s) and help this person to feel better. Then there is the dreaded moment that (you) would be called on to pray at an event or family function… Side note: part of my family is Mexican and when spanish class kicked off in high school it was always "Oh, pray in Spanish and show us what you are learning…" um yeah.  As I got older, there was a lot more to it than repetition of what mommy and daddy say or reciting the Lords prayer at events. Prayer transformed to look like so many different things…. I had called to God for one of my closest friends for 3 years bef...

I go to sleep with thoughts… I wake up with thoughts…. I even dream the same ones in between. It can be exhausting. I fight a battle every day, to live in the truth I am called to. But, I don't do it and I admit that.  The battle isn't with those around me, or even circumstances that my daily living is accustomed to: its my own thoughts, my own choices, my own insecurities that are so loud almost nothing else can be heard. When I mess up and slip back into a sin, a piece of darkness that I was "delivered" from, the spiral starts to spin…. those familiar enemies of fear and doubt and worry begin to roam in my heart. They mutter, whisper everything my flesh understands.  Nothing can undo what I have broken. You cannot be loved or wanted when you have thoughts like this. No one will ever see past the facade or tear down the fortified wall. The dirty stains, the deep filth, the looming shadows don't just go away. Keep striving , keep working , keep contro...