My Savior, do you HEAR me?

As a little girl, I was taught the "motions" of prayer.

You clasp your hands together, bow your head, close your eyes, and then talk to God.

Many know versions of the "God is great, God is good, let us thank him for our food" 

My pawpaw even has a classic prayer that most of the kids and grandkids will repeat silently along with him as we sit down for a meal.

Prayers changed to thank you(s) and help this person to feel better. Then there is the dreaded moment that (you) would be called on to pray at an event or family function… Side note: part of my family is Mexican and when spanish class kicked off in high school it was always "Oh, pray in Spanish and show us what you are learning…" um yeah. 

As I got older, there was a lot more to it than repetition of what mommy and daddy say or reciting the Lords prayer at events. Prayer transformed to look like so many different things….

I had called to God for one of my closest friends for 3 years before I saw her life change.

Praying through the night that someone you love who is struggling will just fall asleep and be okay. 

Begging God to take away the cancer or any other disease that is threatening the lives of people you love. Trying to figure out where to go to college and what you're supposed to do with this life. Maybe for the first time telling God exactly how you feel about the way things are, expressing to him anger, doubt, sadness, frustrations, questions, fears, worries, and whatever else is going on inside. 

The one that I know all too well, is the prayer that is silent, but is heard in the deepest cries of the heart… when I have no words and only tears.

The commands resound in my head….

"Pray for your enemies" "Pray without ceasing" "Pray with thankfulness and patient waiting"

"Confess your sins" "Pray over the sick" "Ask anything in my name" "Pray in secret"

"Pray when you are anxious, needing wisdom, fearful, and when you don't know what to say"

"Pray on behalf of others" "Pray to me when you are in the wilderness" "Pray with Holy hands"

In the midst of so many words, something got lost, way lost.

God, I don't really get what the point is. You tell me all these things, and I pray. I seek. I ask. But what happens when I don't hear? In all of the cries of my heart, Father, will you move for me? Do you always hear me? 

But perhaps the one that hit me straight in my heart recently was: "Prayer is your most powerful weapon" Go to battle daughter….

Sitting and pondering, I thought about one of my favorite scriptures

"And behold, the curtain of the temple was torn in two, from top to bottom. And the earth shook, and the rocks were split." Matthew 27:51

Up until that point, not just anyone could come into the presence of God, into the Holy of Holies. But when Christ died, everything changed. He made a way, a way for believers to come into the presence of God, a way to have Him with us always. God shook me there. 

When I chose to accept Christ, receiving His Spirit, I came into his presence in a new way. I am no longer separated from God. The veil was torn, my sin was washed away, and now I am able to directly communicate with the Creator of the universe…. WHAT. When I wake each day, walking into this life, I am to take up the armor of God into battle. Being able to cry out to my Father in the heat of the trial, the depths of the temptation, in the confusion and anxiety, for things my heart cannot put words to… that is the weapon that ends wars. 

God doesn't always give me the answers I want. Sometimes, in my humanity, when all I can do is pray, it frustrates me and hurts my heart. I want to take things into my hands and work them out to what I think is best, and in my own way and time. What I presume to be silence is still God being my Father, Sustainer, Provider, Protector. Carrying my heart and life, or coming on behalf of those I love, to the throne of Grace, is so much more than I will ever understand. 

My hands may not always be clasped.

My head isn't always bowed.

My eyes are not always closed. 

My heart isn't always able. 

But the veil will always remain torn. 

Father, in my questions, in my doubts, in my humanity, be the sovereign grace that covers me. May it always be my joy to say, Your will, Your way.