Laughter Chasing Fear

Ive had these words floating around in my head for weeks now, knowing they were weighty, hearing them over and over again, trying to understand why they lingered, and just a handful of minutes ago I realized the answer... but it was as the words came to life and demanded my heart and my action. I dont know how you feel about breakfast tacos but your girl is a major fan... and Fort Worth, TX has some pretty great spots for this kind of thing. Thats where I was this morning, sitting across from a sister in Christ early in the morning. Laughing about our lives and commenting on the beautiful sunny view we sat in front of... then over a few breakfast tacos and some coffee steaming out of our paper cups, we started asking the hard questions. Wounds often run deeper than we care to admit, or perhaps that we even realize. They bring back old habits and fears we thought we conquered or even didnt quite have before. She let me hear about those things, and right in the middle told me abou...

In the darkness of night when I try to get some form of rest, sometimes all I can really say to God is, "I want to see you. I want to hear you." Because a dressed up phrase seems to fall silent at this point, and I simply cant find any more of a way to explain an ache I always seem to feel. A small moment of confession comes: "Lord, I know this ache is really for you." I always quickly assume the ache is what resounds of an unrelenting desire to be worthy, valued, and for a few moments to somehow be enough. Perhaps the ache is really a deep hearts desire to be wanted and pursued. Because the answer is "yes" to all that continue to look at my singleness and ask with the sympathetic head tilt, "Dont you want to be married?" Dare I say the aching desire to simply be thought of or considered, remembered in a moment when even the smallest words of encouragement can truly go a longer way than realized. Anything sound pathetic yet? Yeah, theres t...

I was driving to the Christmas production my church was having. Done with finals, last show of the week, and then some much needed down time. So, I dont remember what was playing on the radio or what all was going on around me, but I heard this whisper. Subtle, soft, but clearer than anything I had come across my ears in a while... "I killed Christ, the least I could do after that is give Him my life in return." Funny thing is I could hardly catch my breath after that, not so great for operating a vehicle Im sure. Over and over again I kept hearing those words, like having a song on repeat but you cant seem to make that skip button work anymore... "I killed Christ...I killed Christ... I killed Christ." Still as clear and as audible as the first time. Walking into church that night I didn't really know what to do with this murderous thought that kept coming to my mind. Over the past week different moments have brought it back to mind. Pondered for minutes c...

I have always wanted God to move in huge ways in my life. Like as in, "wow can you believe what just happened? That is such a Jesus holy moment and it has to be displayed because I mean come on!!!" Yeah, real thoughts. But God has this incredible sense of irony and humor in my life, where instead these tiny, infinitesimal moments or words or happenings come and God's response to my sense of what I think is best is, "No. Here is how I am going to show up in your life to humble your spirit and remind you that I am active and present in ALL things." So it came as no surprise that while I was listening to this KILLER message about kindness and goodness as a part of the fruit of the Spirit, instead of giving me these life altering lessons and huge wrecked heart realities, God whispers in the last 60 seconds of the message one piece of truth "its My kindness that leads to repentance." The specific passage reading as follows: Romans 2:1-4 "Therefore y...

Jesus I have been taught all my life that you were God, that you were His Son, that you being God came to earth to die on a cross for me, and that was the point of everything that you ever did. But the thing is.... I don't get how you could have possibly done that.  How did you look at a woman at a well and knowing every sin, every single thing that she has ever done wrong look at her and offer her life? How in the moment where your friend had been dead for 4 days, how did you ask him to walk to you? How did you pray a prayer for us and told God that His will was more important, that what He wanted was more important? How did you hang on that cross and at the same time sustain the hand that drove the nails into yours? How did you look up and in the midst of being utterly forsaken, ask the Father for their forgiveness? I don't know how you could do that, how in the world did you do all of that and look at me, and say, that you wanted me, that you were still willin...

I am a Christ follower who deeply struggles with insecurity. Thats it. No pretty way to decorate it and make it look nice, no pleasantries and a killer story to surprise you with this shocking reality. Welcome to my messy self. Yes, I did say a Christ follower, which would also mean an experiencer of His perfect love. Doesn't that seem hypocritical of me? To claim to know intimately the pinnacle of perfect love and still not be a secure person. Ha well, I would be utterly delighted to tell you a different story. But I was always told honesty is the best policy, so in keeping with the current trend, yeah I battle this insecurity thing every day. The thing is, my insecurity really has a dirty little secret, the kind buried in the deep dark basement which let be honest, no one wants to go in. That always seems to be the place that the good guys go into because they hear a scary noise, and then BAM!! Their dead. Thats it. In an effort to keep you from this tragic misfortune, I wil...

Have you ever been afraid of something? I'm not talking just a little frightened... but a crippling fear, that grips your heart and chokes out any hint of courage and sends waves of anxiety through your body and you start to lose your breath, your will to even go forward... yeah, that kind of fear. I remember it, a certain memory burned into me that I will never forget. During my senior year of college God called me to work at a camp unlike many, a camp in the middle of nowhere, saturated in adventure and wilderness, completely in isolation from the outside world. Not only did He call me there, but on top of hill overlooking acres of creation, He asked me to give up comfort, security, and face some fears that haunted me. Part of this adventure includes a zip line. Not just any zip line, but one of the biggest there is. Its high and fast and challenging and I wasn't ready for it. Amongst many new faces and stories I didn't know, I was asked to cross the bridge to the ...