Laughter Chasing Fear

Coming to grad school this fall, I never expected how it would go. Being back on a campus really brought one very true thing to my view… There are A LOT of sidewalks here. Anytime I go somewhere, if there is a sidewalk, you can bet some serious cash that I am going to use it. If I don't, my mind always flashes to the scene in Princess Diaries when she walks on the grass and suddenly a host of many languages scream at her to GET OFF!! Thats what always plays in my head. So sidewalks… I like them. Whats the big deal? They were designed for walking, why can't I use them? I came to realize that its a whole heck of a lot more than sidewalks that I like… This new life transition hasn't been a lot of what I expected. New school, new friends, new job, living alone for the first time since ever, and even though the town isn't new, a whole lot has changed… Ahh theres that dirty word, (change). Throughout my life I have not always been too fond of that word, and for many ...

When life hands me transition, change, and anything that hurts… you can bet for sure I am going to want some kind of escape. And if I cannot find that, then I want the process, the ins and outs which must only happen if the other side is to be reached, to be as pleasant and wonderful as possible. But there is quite a profound problem with that logic: Life doesn't always work that way. A few mornings ago, I decided to again make my claim of faith and tell God I trusted him. Life currently looks like a lot of ????? and many of the ones I love are hurting. So instead of filling my prayer to my Father with all of these words asking for an easier path, obviously less filled with pain and difficulty, I simply said I will trust YOU. Well… almost as soon as I was finished and my feet to the floor to embrace the day, one line from a Reliant K song called "Let It All Out" flooded into my head: "And you said I know that this will hurt, but if I don't break your heart tha...

Most of the time, my life is one hot mess… And so when I make any kind of big, solid decision its a bigger deal than I care to admit (remember, still a hot mess over here) About a month ago I decided to take a leap, and go visit a seminary that is in Kentucky. It isn't a hop, skip, and a jump away, so a plan had to be made. As all of the details were coming together, I began to be hopeful, that maybe after that weekend more of life would be figured out and I would get a glimpse of God's plan being worked out. But, life is messy and as the weekend approached, life happened and the trip came to a halt. It could have been half thrown together and happened, but I had to make a hard decision, to let go of my need for answers and control, and release it to God. Well…. the hot mess came to surface in a whole new way. Nothing about me had it together that night. What was simply plans changing, turned into a deep struggle with an insecure future and a heart that needs (wants) to h...

Love has always been one of my greatest passions. Love has always been one of my greatest struggles. Yesterday was such a great day. I am not the biggest fan of the heat, but recently, any opportunity to take my hammock outside and just enjoy the weather has been so good. Yesterday, I had that opportunity and decided it would go nicely with Jesus and some coffee. When I sat down and started reading a message from a friend serving in Africa, she mentioned a song called Through and Through by Will Reagan, and it blew me away. The words were a cry at the heart of how God sees every fiber of who we are, and still loves us the same. I listened and it got my mind spinning for the evening. I later went to my friends apartment to watch a movie and I wasn't expecting what happened. Conversation went on and a slight comment was made, about confidentiality. No one picked up on it, but I did. It wasn't anything apparently huge, but it hit my heart like a ton of bricks. It remained in ...

As a little girl, I was taught the "motions" of prayer. You clasp your hands together, bow your head, close your eyes, and then talk to God. Many know versions of the "God is great, God is good, let us thank him for our food"  My pawpaw even has a classic prayer that most of the kids and grandkids will repeat silently along with him as we sit down for a meal. Prayers changed to thank you(s) and help this person to feel better. Then there is the dreaded moment that (you) would be called on to pray at an event or family function… Side note: part of my family is Mexican and when spanish class kicked off in high school it was always "Oh, pray in Spanish and show us what you are learning…" um yeah.  As I got older, there was a lot more to it than repetition of what mommy and daddy say or reciting the Lords prayer at events. Prayer transformed to look like so many different things…. I had called to God for one of my closest friends for 3 years bef...

I go to sleep with thoughts… I wake up with thoughts…. I even dream the same ones in between. It can be exhausting. I fight a battle every day, to live in the truth I am called to. But, I don't do it and I admit that.  The battle isn't with those around me, or even circumstances that my daily living is accustomed to: its my own thoughts, my own choices, my own insecurities that are so loud almost nothing else can be heard. When I mess up and slip back into a sin, a piece of darkness that I was "delivered" from, the spiral starts to spin…. those familiar enemies of fear and doubt and worry begin to roam in my heart. They mutter, whisper everything my flesh understands.  Nothing can undo what I have broken. You cannot be loved or wanted when you have thoughts like this. No one will ever see past the facade or tear down the fortified wall. The dirty stains, the deep filth, the looming shadows don't just go away. Keep striving , keep working , keep contro...

Today isn't what I thought it would be. Last week wasn't even close. The past 6 months have not looked anything like the picture my mind had….. My own ideas and plans seemed perfect, I was going to work for my college and go to graduate school, and achieve the hope and dream that was hovering over my life. But God called my heart to a camp in the wilderness and I came out 3 months later changed. My heart was not at rest with the path I was walking towards… I gave up the job, I gave up the degree, all the practical choices out the window. Now it was just the simple matter of living and getting a job, and of course seeking God's will for my life…. it wasn't that simple. I struggled for months in my efforts to make this life choice work. I leaned into loved ones for support in ways I desperately wanted to have independence. But, what could I do? Money didn't grow on trees so they tell me and something had to give soon, somewhere there had to be a door, window, or...