Laughter Chasing Fear

When I looked out at the coming semester, with so many assignments and pages to read, busy days and an array of deadlines, amidst new tasks and challenges I had never encountered before, I only felt two things…fear and anxiety.  Nothing felt possible in those moments. I was overwhelmed with a flood of buts and what ifs and realizations that I was not in any way equipped to handle. I stood in the middle of my apartment without an idea how to move forward. As I looked out I began to understand that I truly didn't trust God with everything, and even more so, the struggle to trust Him in many areas of my life became all too real in these gripping seconds… Pretty much all that came were tears. Not the dainty, streaming kind but a rush of these small reminders that I could not get the fear and anxiety to go away. Sure I stopped and literally cried out to God with all that I had and did my best to surrender everything, but what I thought I laid down kept coming back. The more I hav

I have never really been one for New Year's resolutions. Maybe because the start of the new year did not seem like the best time to be making these heart felt promises swimming with desires to be better. I would much rather make them in my everyday life without a special holiday to commemorate the attempt. That is always what it felt like to me, a mere attempt. As a Christian, I am always told to strive for more and to live a better life because thats what I am called to do. Sometimes that presents a big problem, especially for me, it becomes a list and a striving that never seems to be satisfied. Then there is a constant image that follows you into every mirror and through every set of eyes, the idea that you have to have it altogether and if you mess up, you and this attempt to better yourself becomes an utter failure. Being at seminary surrounded by these thousands of people who all love and follow the same God I do has been the biggest mirror I have looked into. Daily I am