God sees ALL of my mistakes

I have never really been one for New Year's resolutions. Maybe because the start of the new year did not seem like the best time to be making these heart felt promises swimming with desires to be better. I would much rather make them in my everyday life without a special holiday to commemorate the attempt.

That is always what it felt like to me, a mere attempt. As a Christian, I am always told to strive for more and to live a better life because thats what I am called to do. Sometimes that presents a big problem, especially for me, it becomes a list and a striving that never seems to be satisfied. Then there is a constant image that follows you into every mirror and through every set of eyes, the idea that you have to have it altogether and if you mess up, you and this attempt to better yourself becomes an utter failure.

Being at seminary surrounded by these thousands of people who all love and follow the same God I do has been the biggest mirror I have looked into. Daily I am reminded of who I am supposed to be and what God has created me to do, and my heart will even burn with the desire to walk in that truth. There is not much room for failure there and that is where I tend to feel entirely inadequate. In my own flesh I let my arrogance win some days, thinking that in a way I will not make as many mistakes if I am pursuing a life filled with Christ daily.

Flesh is strong, stronger than I can readily admit. Even surrounded by so much of what a Christian life is supposed to have, it takes mere seconds for me to give into temptations and the desires of my own flesh. Not too long ago there was a day when I lost a battle. Let me be more specific, I did not care to fight that hard, but in my own pride and selfishness, I gave way to the lies my flesh so sweetly spoke. There are these moments when it seems so appealing, never mind that its the part of me that is broken and cannot fulfill the ache or longings, I choose to not see that for that brief time. Willingly I give way to sin in so brief a time.

There was nothing about it that deserved forgiveness and I wanted to be alone in my sin.
That reeked of pride, guilt, shame… so maybe if I took the chance to ask for prayer from souls who would be willing, then maybe I would find some hope.
New Year's day came and brought cold, rain, and ice. As I looked outside through the lens of a camera I saw these ice sickles hanging from the trees and this verse popped into my head:

“For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven
 and do not return there but water the earth,
making it bring forth and sprout,
 giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater, so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth;
 it shall not return to me empty, 
but it shall accomplish that which I purpose,
 and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it.”  Isaiah 55:10-11

Yes it does talk about rain and snow, but I was not fully sure why that particular verse. 

This morning I read a single line in a book by Jennie Allen, about finding a vision for the "unique reason God keeps issuing you breath." As I sat there, breathing, I looked back on the last week of my life and felt this hope sort of kindle. I can make promises and resolutions to do all kinds of things in my own effort to be more than I was the year before, and there is nothing wrong with doing that. However, there will come moments inside of days when I will fail at keeping up with it all. 

For the rest of my life, my yesterdays will always outnumber my tomorrows, and if I am to have any hope it cannot be in my own attempts or strengths. It must always come from the One who sees every mistake and lack of will to fight, but has still kept issuing me breath. Isaiah 55 offers that hope to my weary soul. God does not offer truth and promises that are empty and cannot bear the weight of what they say. He loves in that way, the way that sees everything and still comes back.

If I am clinging to any sort of resolution this year, its in the hope that He is always good when I am not. The hope that as His grace covers my failures and the blood of His son cleanses the depth of my sin, that every promise He gives does not fail, but carries great purpose. 

I will lose battles but in Him this breath that fills my lungs offers hope for whatever tomorrow I have.