When God uses camp journals AND a Dollar General

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When I looked out at the coming semester, with so many assignments and pages to read, busy days and an array of deadlines, amidst new tasks and challenges I had never encountered before, I only felt two things…fear and anxiety. 

Nothing felt possible in those moments. I was overwhelmed with a flood of buts and what ifs and realizations that I was not in any way equipped to handle. I stood in the middle of my apartment without an idea how to move forward. As I looked out I began to understand that I truly didn't trust God with everything, and even more so, the struggle to trust Him in many areas of my life became all too real in these gripping seconds…

Pretty much all that came were tears. Not the dainty, streaming kind but a rush of these small reminders that I could not get the fear and anxiety to go away. Sure I stopped and literally cried out to God with all that I had and did my best to surrender everything, but what I thought I laid down kept coming back. The more I have struggled the more I have tried to press into truth and seek prayer from souls that have come alongside me in this testing season. 
Confession: sometimes I wonder if God hears my cries. I hear stories of people that pour their hearts out to the Lord and then this monumental event happens and BAM!! Life is so much better. Its a truth I wrestle with, and today God reminded me why truth is always better over feelings…
Today was Tuesday, and as chapel began I opened a half-used journal from last semester to take notes and I came across this entry from almost two years ago. This was a sweet moment. Almost instantly I was reminded of a summer not too long ago when I was faced with very similar circumstances and if it wasn't for that summer I wouldn't be where I am right now. A new flood of memories came now and my heart felt for all of the beautiful souls that I miss deeply, that walked that journey with me one summer. 

With these thoughts at hand, tonight I pondered what a seemingly normal Tuesday actually looked like.

(2) In class that morning, my professor spoke two sentences, one referenced sexual "needs" and the other about relationships seen as financial transactions. Neither were the center of the lecture but both profoundly spoke to my heart.
(3) On my way to the gym, a friend called and simply needed help and advice with something she was struggling with. I did not have any perfect answers for her, but it was a moment to stop and listen to someone and give the best truth I knew how to give. 
(4) A picture of honesty was brought to my attention and I realized how I can fail at being the kind of friend I truly desire to be. You don't always realize that small moments can change your relationships in huge ways and I was humbled in my own mistakes and failures. This gave me a place to really seek God's wisdom in how to live and love better.
(5) After I walked out of Dollar General with a few needed items, there was a man outside playing a guitar. I listened as I put my bag in the car, and thought for a moment I should go talk to him. I have been currently trying to give a fear in evangelism over to God and had even prayed for more opportunities to do so. I drove my car to the exit and then stopped for a minute. Something was pressing me hard to turn around and go back. Somewhat reluctantly I did. Today, I met Brian and he lives not far from that store and plays there often. He really loves music and wouldn't you know was familiar with a band my dad had played in. He expressed some idea of God and prayer, but nothing was too clear. I asked if I could pray for him and he was very receptive. I am not sure if he truly knows Jesus but maybe God will allow me to see him again on my next Dollar General trip. 

5 moments on a Tuesday. By no means was it a large musical parade or something considered grand or life altering, but in a way, I believe that was God's point in today. He knows my heart and saw my fear, doubt, and anxiety, and showed me how He can work even in the smallest of details. It does not always have to be grand or momentous for God to remind us of who He is and who we are because of His love for us. So really, thats where I am. It is still pretty messy and I am imperfectly learning to fully trust God even with the impossibilities. 

Also, if you get the chance, please pray for Brian, that he would encounter Jesus and the message of the gospel, and experience that wonderful saving grace. 

"It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed." Deuteronomy 31:8


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