Straight up slapped in the FACE!

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Well… maybe not literally, but the impact was the same.

Eating breakfast should be no big deal. Personally, I am a huge fan of cereal. Its a wonderful part of my daily mornings and its always enjoyed. I don't ever think twice about what is going to happen as I am partaking of this glorious meal. For a reason I didn't know at the time, a week and a day ago, my morning was going to be really different. 

I was sitting on my bed, enjoying the wonderful tastes of Special K Red Berries, when out of nowhere…… SLAP!!!! 
No, I was not actually hit in the face, but a swift kick to my stomach and heart as I saw a picture of God's faithfulness come before my eyes.

Many of the mistakes I have made in my life follow a very similar pattern. I get these thoughts in my head about a situation, and without realizing it, they race off into the distance. Before I have time to blink I am thinking, rethinking, analyzing, and going over scenarios A, B, C… well you get the picture.  It has always been a default, control mechanism of mine. If I can just understand everything and know what is going on, or will go on, then of course it all will be okay. The old truth of "thoughts will turn into actions" is true whether I want to admit it or not. I make the choice, I act, and then I step outside my own selfish desires and realize…. mistake.

What then follows is an agonizing over the failure, and a feeble attempt at fixing what was broken. Prayers are uttered to God asking for forgiveness, restoration, healing, and everything else. But what kind of condition was my heart really in? I remember one night, attempting to speak a prayer of surrender when I flat out told God, "No. I am not going to do it. I know its the right thing but its too hard and I have no idea what that even looks like. So, heres the thing, if you want me there, you have to help me" In all of my prayers, the words being said did not really reflect my deepest heart. Not only did I not want to surrender or know how, but I did not really think God was being faithful nor could his grace possibly touch a situation like this.

It was selfish. It was prideful. It was the kind of wrong that gets you slapped…..
Was I really so stuck in my ideals of self, that I thought the grace of God, the Creator, Sustainer, Redeemer, Savior, could not reach far enough to cover my mistake? Yes. I was stuck there.
But He then decided in his mercy to reach out….

He smacked me square in the face with grace and faithfulness…. And as I sat there dumfounded and I think I may have even said out loud, "You have got to be kidding me" I realized that I was not living in truth. Oh yeah, I put myself there and made my choices, but there was something going on far outside of me in that moment. The same grace God had used to save my soul 12 years ago, was still active. It was not the "one and done" deal I always made it. 

It was a tough lesson by a loving teacher. In my own way, I would have had it come much sooner. But maybe thats the point. Im not God, but what I am is forgiven, loved, and covered in grace. 
Special K Red Berries will never be the same again….

"You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions. You adulterous people! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God. Or do you suppose it is to no purpose that the Scripture says, “He yearns jealously over the spirit that he has made to dwell in us”? But he gives more grace…." James 4:3-6a

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