a COWARD'S prayer from the sidewalk
Coming to grad school this fall, I never expected how it would go. Being back on a campus really brought one very true thing to my view…
There are A LOT of sidewalks here.
Anytime I go somewhere, if there is a sidewalk, you can bet some serious cash that I am going to use it. If I don't, my mind always flashes to the scene in Princess Diaries when she walks on the grass and suddenly a host of many languages scream at her to GET OFF!! Thats what always plays in my head. So sidewalks… I like them. Whats the big deal? They were designed for walking, why can't I use them? I came to realize that its a whole heck of a lot more than sidewalks that I like…
This new life transition hasn't been a lot of what I expected. New school, new friends, new job, living alone for the first time since ever, and even though the town isn't new, a whole lot has changed… Ahh theres that dirty word, (change). Throughout my life I have not always been too fond of that word, and for many "good" reasons. Change hasn't always brought good things into my life and that tends to be my focus. Hence my oh so wonderful tendency to love those sidewalks. Venturing out into that path that is different and not so nice and laid out just isn't safe. So, if my current season of life is starting to get a little rough and bumpy, then I better high tale it back to my cozy sidewalk…
I was sitting in my apartment one night and did just that. God needed to hear what was going on in my life, and even more than that I wanted Him to do something about it. I opened my mouth and began pouring out all of the right words, uttering all the "Your will" and "I trust You" phrases that I figured needed to be said. I kept going until I felt "okay" about it. For all the faith I thought I had mustered, my prayer was filled with entirely empty words. It was neat and pretty, just like all the other sidewalks I had been walking on. I was a complete coward in that moment, too afraid to bring the raw realities of my heart before God… and He knew every bit of that. During the weeks to come life may have had some shining moments but my heart was in no way beaming. When the new began to become somewhat of a routine my mind fell prey to the enemy, and his intense temptations and lies. Deep sin, old sin, crept its way into my life and started to consume me piece by piece. I would give in and fall, and then utter those same cowardly words and get right back up again.
For all the neatness and laid out paths this sidewalk supposedly had, my fearful heart clinging to its false sense of safety had to make a choice. If I am to brave the paths untraveled, whether in small steps or giant leaps, the selfishness in me had to die.
Thats where God took me…
to the reality of dying to self, killing my pride
to the understanding that living this season in no way was a call to the "sidewalk of safety"
to making choices that required my yes without one bit of insight as to where it would lead
to baring the raw, honest realities of my sin and lack of faith
to accept every piece of refining that needed to happen in my soul
I would love to say that there was a grand moment when all the walls came down, all the strongholds were broken, all the lies were silenced… but that isn't the truth.
I have laid bare all I know how to and taken the steps away from the cozy sidewalk. There are moments and days that I completely fail, times when I retreat back to my well worn path, choices that pull my heart back into cowardice and sin…
Today, I heard something that opened my own eyes to the way God meets me in it all…
"HOW MARVELOUS THE GRACE THAT CAUGHT MY FALLING SOUL"
I won't always get it right, but if I am going to walk along anything now, its going to be a path wrapped in His always constant, unyielding grace.
There are A LOT of sidewalks here.
Anytime I go somewhere, if there is a sidewalk, you can bet some serious cash that I am going to use it. If I don't, my mind always flashes to the scene in Princess Diaries when she walks on the grass and suddenly a host of many languages scream at her to GET OFF!! Thats what always plays in my head. So sidewalks… I like them. Whats the big deal? They were designed for walking, why can't I use them? I came to realize that its a whole heck of a lot more than sidewalks that I like…
This new life transition hasn't been a lot of what I expected. New school, new friends, new job, living alone for the first time since ever, and even though the town isn't new, a whole lot has changed… Ahh theres that dirty word, (change). Throughout my life I have not always been too fond of that word, and for many "good" reasons. Change hasn't always brought good things into my life and that tends to be my focus. Hence my oh so wonderful tendency to love those sidewalks. Venturing out into that path that is different and not so nice and laid out just isn't safe. So, if my current season of life is starting to get a little rough and bumpy, then I better high tale it back to my cozy sidewalk…
I was sitting in my apartment one night and did just that. God needed to hear what was going on in my life, and even more than that I wanted Him to do something about it. I opened my mouth and began pouring out all of the right words, uttering all the "Your will" and "I trust You" phrases that I figured needed to be said. I kept going until I felt "okay" about it. For all the faith I thought I had mustered, my prayer was filled with entirely empty words. It was neat and pretty, just like all the other sidewalks I had been walking on. I was a complete coward in that moment, too afraid to bring the raw realities of my heart before God… and He knew every bit of that. During the weeks to come life may have had some shining moments but my heart was in no way beaming. When the new began to become somewhat of a routine my mind fell prey to the enemy, and his intense temptations and lies. Deep sin, old sin, crept its way into my life and started to consume me piece by piece. I would give in and fall, and then utter those same cowardly words and get right back up again.
For all the neatness and laid out paths this sidewalk supposedly had, my fearful heart clinging to its false sense of safety had to make a choice. If I am to brave the paths untraveled, whether in small steps or giant leaps, the selfishness in me had to die.
Thats where God took me…
to the reality of dying to self, killing my pride
to the understanding that living this season in no way was a call to the "sidewalk of safety"
to making choices that required my yes without one bit of insight as to where it would lead
to baring the raw, honest realities of my sin and lack of faith
to accept every piece of refining that needed to happen in my soul
I would love to say that there was a grand moment when all the walls came down, all the strongholds were broken, all the lies were silenced… but that isn't the truth.
I have laid bare all I know how to and taken the steps away from the cozy sidewalk. There are moments and days that I completely fail, times when I retreat back to my well worn path, choices that pull my heart back into cowardice and sin…
Today, I heard something that opened my own eyes to the way God meets me in it all…
"HOW MARVELOUS THE GRACE THAT CAUGHT MY FALLING SOUL"
I won't always get it right, but if I am going to walk along anything now, its going to be a path wrapped in His always constant, unyielding grace.
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