A Christ follower that is AFRAID to love you
I am a Christ follower who deeply struggles with insecurity.
Thats it. No pretty way to decorate it and make it look nice, no pleasantries and a killer story to surprise you with this shocking reality. Welcome to my messy self.
Yes, I did say a Christ follower, which would also mean an experiencer of His perfect love. Doesn't that seem hypocritical of me? To claim to know intimately the pinnacle of perfect love and still not be a secure person. Ha well, I would be utterly delighted to tell you a different story. But I was always told honesty is the best policy, so in keeping with the current trend, yeah I battle this insecurity thing every day.
The thing is, my insecurity really has a dirty little secret, the kind buried in the deep dark basement which let be honest, no one wants to go in. That always seems to be the place that the good guys go into because they hear a scary noise, and then BAM!! Their dead. Thats it. In an effort to keep you from this tragic misfortune, I will tell you what it is so you don't have to go there.
Its FEAR.
Yeah it sounds simple enough, but the weight it carries far exceeds the four little letters its composed of. How is it a secret of insecurity you ask? I am afraid to love. To love is to expose a vulnerability like nothing else can. Let me tell you this, if you are afraid of something, it will never be a place you are secure in and you won't be able to trust. Because all of a sudden you will start replacing what you previously knew to be true with lies.
These lies are strong. (If you love, it will hurt you and bring unbearable pain)
These lies are relentless. (If you love, its never going to be enough and will always be a disappointing struggle, it won't stop)
These lies have this way of overtaking every thought, every choice, every word. Until you realize that the way in which you love is infected with this sickness to which there cannot possibly be a cure. (you don't matter, worthless, desperate, needy, never enough, ugly, broken hearted, INSECURE mess of a thing, incapable, among a myriad of others) Yes, at some point or another, these have been my thoughts that eventually defined my actions...
Ive always found it ironic that what I believe to be the greatest God given calling on my life is actually my source of deepest struggle. That doesn't exactly seem fair to me. Did God really intentionally allow this? Hasn't He seen what this has done to my life? Once I became a follower of Christ, aren't struggles like these supposed to stop? A long time ago I realized that God can handle my human questions, but He will respond to me. Here is what He said.
"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear." I John 4:18a
Yep. That was God's response the other day when I started to ask all of my incredibly human questions. Remember the (BAM!!!) from earlier that killed the good guy that went down into the dark, dirty basement where all of the evil secrets were being held? This really did happen. You see, Jesus is perfect, was perfect. He is full of every good there could be. He looked down from heaven at the mess we made of our hearts (even our attempts to keep them locked away in what we thought was a secure place) and decided it was worth the risk to discover them and bring them to the surface and give us life, even if it meant His death. He went down there, and saw that the only way to come back up was by death on a cross. Basically, my insecurity and fear killed Jesus.
He knew what loving me would cost Him. He knew that it required a death. Wanna guess the irony......? He knew it was also the only way I would know a LOVE that doesn't bear a weight of fear.
I am still an imperfect human, but when I surrendered my life to Christ He granted me the freedom to experience, know, live out and take hold of His perfect love. Those lies my heart knows so well, here is the truth of His love (strong, relentless, unconditional, eternal, pure, overwhelming, satisfying, cleansing, worthy, beautiful, whole, SECURE and has a way of overtaking every thought, every choice, every word).
As I let the weight of this push against my insecure heart, its becoming more and more apparent that as Christ experienced death for me, so must I experience a death for Him. This fleshly human part of me has died, is dying, and must continue to die. I cannot continue to go back down into the basement and give life to what He chose to put to death. His love will be the place from which my thoughts find definition, where my words will find their meaning, how my actions will be carried out.
My truest identity is a redeemed daughter. My truest reality of every second of each day is the love of Jesus Christ, to which can be challenged or broken by nothing.
I am a Christ follower who will embrace the death required so that I may love in security and fearlessness.
Thats it. No pretty way to decorate it and make it look nice, no pleasantries and a killer story to surprise you with this shocking reality. Welcome to my messy self.
Yes, I did say a Christ follower, which would also mean an experiencer of His perfect love. Doesn't that seem hypocritical of me? To claim to know intimately the pinnacle of perfect love and still not be a secure person. Ha well, I would be utterly delighted to tell you a different story. But I was always told honesty is the best policy, so in keeping with the current trend, yeah I battle this insecurity thing every day.
The thing is, my insecurity really has a dirty little secret, the kind buried in the deep dark basement which let be honest, no one wants to go in. That always seems to be the place that the good guys go into because they hear a scary noise, and then BAM!! Their dead. Thats it. In an effort to keep you from this tragic misfortune, I will tell you what it is so you don't have to go there.
Its FEAR.
Yeah it sounds simple enough, but the weight it carries far exceeds the four little letters its composed of. How is it a secret of insecurity you ask? I am afraid to love. To love is to expose a vulnerability like nothing else can. Let me tell you this, if you are afraid of something, it will never be a place you are secure in and you won't be able to trust. Because all of a sudden you will start replacing what you previously knew to be true with lies.
These lies are strong. (If you love, it will hurt you and bring unbearable pain)
These lies are relentless. (If you love, its never going to be enough and will always be a disappointing struggle, it won't stop)
These lies have this way of overtaking every thought, every choice, every word. Until you realize that the way in which you love is infected with this sickness to which there cannot possibly be a cure. (you don't matter, worthless, desperate, needy, never enough, ugly, broken hearted, INSECURE mess of a thing, incapable, among a myriad of others) Yes, at some point or another, these have been my thoughts that eventually defined my actions...
Ive always found it ironic that what I believe to be the greatest God given calling on my life is actually my source of deepest struggle. That doesn't exactly seem fair to me. Did God really intentionally allow this? Hasn't He seen what this has done to my life? Once I became a follower of Christ, aren't struggles like these supposed to stop? A long time ago I realized that God can handle my human questions, but He will respond to me. Here is what He said."There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear." I John 4:18a
Yep. That was God's response the other day when I started to ask all of my incredibly human questions. Remember the (BAM!!!) from earlier that killed the good guy that went down into the dark, dirty basement where all of the evil secrets were being held? This really did happen. You see, Jesus is perfect, was perfect. He is full of every good there could be. He looked down from heaven at the mess we made of our hearts (even our attempts to keep them locked away in what we thought was a secure place) and decided it was worth the risk to discover them and bring them to the surface and give us life, even if it meant His death. He went down there, and saw that the only way to come back up was by death on a cross. Basically, my insecurity and fear killed Jesus.
He knew what loving me would cost Him. He knew that it required a death. Wanna guess the irony......? He knew it was also the only way I would know a LOVE that doesn't bear a weight of fear.
I am still an imperfect human, but when I surrendered my life to Christ He granted me the freedom to experience, know, live out and take hold of His perfect love. Those lies my heart knows so well, here is the truth of His love (strong, relentless, unconditional, eternal, pure, overwhelming, satisfying, cleansing, worthy, beautiful, whole, SECURE and has a way of overtaking every thought, every choice, every word).
As I let the weight of this push against my insecure heart, its becoming more and more apparent that as Christ experienced death for me, so must I experience a death for Him. This fleshly human part of me has died, is dying, and must continue to die. I cannot continue to go back down into the basement and give life to what He chose to put to death. His love will be the place from which my thoughts find definition, where my words will find their meaning, how my actions will be carried out.
My truest identity is a redeemed daughter. My truest reality of every second of each day is the love of Jesus Christ, to which can be challenged or broken by nothing.
I am a Christ follower who will embrace the death required so that I may love in security and fearlessness.
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