Jesus, sometimes I DONT get you.

Jesus I have been taught all my life that you were God, that you were His Son, that you being God came to earth to die on a cross for me, and that was the point of everything that you ever did.

But the thing is.... I don't get how you could have possibly done that. 

How did you look at a woman at a well and knowing every sin, every single thing that she has ever done wrong look at her and offer her life?

How in the moment where your friend had been dead for 4 days, how did you ask him to walk to you?

How did you pray a prayer for us and told God that His will was more important, that what He wanted was more important?

How did you hang on that cross and at the same time sustain the hand that drove the nails into yours? How did you look up and in the midst of being utterly forsaken, ask the Father for their forgiveness?

I don't know how you could do that, how in the world did you do all of that and look at me, and say, that you wanted me, that you were still willing to die? 

Jesus, my mind cannot comprehend such things....

My only guess is that it had to have looked like a grace that pardons, it had to have looked like a mercy that I cannot fathom, you had to be everything that you said you were, the way, the truth, the life.

Then I look down at my clasped hands, holding onto this truth that is so much higher than I, of who you say that you are, and Jesus I don't know how to do what you ask... 

I don't know how to be this daughter...this woman... that you are calling me to be

In the midst of a world that is accusing, in the midst of arguments and insults and assumptions that are giving me every reason to not do what you are asking me to do.

So Jesus I am telling you that its in these moments that I don't know how to keep stepping forward, how do I keep stepping forward, how do I live a life that is markedly different than everything I see?

Somehow when I look back at all of those moments where you did all of these God-like things, what I remember is... 

At that well when you talked to that woman, you were WEARY from your journey

At the grave of your friend, you WEPT because you were SORROWFUL and in PAIN

As you were praying that prayer, that prayer for us, you SWEAT the blood, you were BEARING a weight and you SWEAT the blood and you ASKED God for another way

In the very seconds when you chose the cross, when you were hanging there, in the same state when you were forsaken by the ones you came for, when you asked for their forgiveness, you were also THIRSTY....

So I guess the point of all this that in the mist of all these huge moments of you as the Son of God came moments where you were the Son of man, you were clothed in our flesh, you felt what we feel even now, you bore the weight of a curse we were never meant to know so intimately. 

So when I see that I look down at my human clasped hands, wrapped in all of these things that are giving me every reason to not say yes to you, all the while you understand it more than I could ever know

because you were me, you walked this earth, you breathed the air that I did, you had blood flowing through your veins, and you had all of the human moments that I feel to my very core. 

So I guess when I say I dont understand how you did it, the whole point is that I understand you, and Im starting to really see you, to see you in a way that I have never seen you before.

Jesus, you uttered 4 words that killed you in your humanity, but 4 words that brought you to life in your resurrection. So with mustard seed faith, Im gonna say them too because you see me and you know me, so it its with that breath that you breathe into me that I say and live out, with clasped hands and open eyes.

THY WILL BE DONE