"Jesus, this is KILLING me."
Ive had these words floating around in my head for weeks now, knowing they were weighty, hearing them over and over again, trying to understand why they lingered, and just a handful of minutes ago I realized the answer...
but it was as the words came to life and demanded my heart and my action.
I dont know how you feel about breakfast tacos but your girl is a major fan... and Fort Worth, TX has some pretty great spots for this kind of thing.
Thats where I was this morning, sitting across from a sister in Christ early in the morning. Laughing about our lives and commenting on the beautiful sunny view we sat in front of... then over a few breakfast tacos and some coffee steaming out of our paper cups, we started asking the hard questions.
Wounds often run deeper than we care to admit, or perhaps that we even realize. They bring back old habits and fears we thought we conquered or even didnt quite have before.
She let me hear about those things, and right in the middle told me about someone that she loves who seems to get it right. She spoke of another soul that could somehow stare a similar wound right in the face and tell its cause, "Im still gonna love, without condition." As she spoke these words, what hung in the air was this question, "how can you even do that?"
In that same moment I asked, "How do you think we can do that?" She said one word, Jesus, but then quickly followed it with, "but it isnt that simple...."
The air cleared for a second and then I found some words that were both strange and familiar at the same time, "when I come to a place like that... I say the words I dont think I can and I do the things I think I cannot do. Thats what it comes down to for me, when I strip away all of the other crap and get down to it, it really is that simple."
But what came after that is what I didnt realize until the words came right out of my mouth...
"When that happens, it kills me. Thats why I dont ever think I can and when I do it hurts more than anything. You see, thats what I always thought was happening, it was killing ME, and it is in a sense. In those moments when I say what I never thought I could or do what I never felt like I could, whats actually being killed, what is dying is my flesh, my selfish nature, what has been fighting against it in the first place. It feels so real because the more I make those choices the more of me that dies and the more Jesus that lives."
The soul that sat in front of me received those words with such grace.
Ever had a moment like that? Clarity. Honesty. Depth. Truth.
Ever come face to face with a moment soon after where you had to live out the words you gave to another? It came today, and I cried because the words werent there, and I didnt want to do anything... and thats when I realized why a phrase that has been rolling around in my head for weeks and a morning over breakfast tacos made so much sense....
"hard and holy things..."
Thats what I have been trying to wrap my mind around for weeks, trying to make sense of it and let the weight it kept making me feel somehow mean something. It all came flooding in so fast I could hardly keep up....
No, its not easy. Insert whatever it is for you in this space____________________________.
It hurts and it kills. My goodness, yes. Thats what sets it apart, the way it drains the life away from that part of us all that Jesus experienced death for, thats why its a hard and holy thing.
I didnt realize thats what was happening, all of these hard and holy things. I have been focused for so long on the fact that I have all these hard words to say and hard things to do, how it feels like its killing me all the time, but never for a second stopping to let Jesus tell me why its so necessary, and how its the best way for me to learn to live again. Because it may not be as complicated as I love to make it.
Brothers and sisters, I know it hurts and I know you dont think you can and I know you feel how its killing you and I know it is so very very hard. You are welcome here in this space, with all of us, as we come to breakfast taco mornings of saying the words, doing the things, both hard and holy.
All simply because of Jesus.
but it was as the words came to life and demanded my heart and my action.
I dont know how you feel about breakfast tacos but your girl is a major fan... and Fort Worth, TX has some pretty great spots for this kind of thing.
Thats where I was this morning, sitting across from a sister in Christ early in the morning. Laughing about our lives and commenting on the beautiful sunny view we sat in front of... then over a few breakfast tacos and some coffee steaming out of our paper cups, we started asking the hard questions.
Wounds often run deeper than we care to admit, or perhaps that we even realize. They bring back old habits and fears we thought we conquered or even didnt quite have before.
She let me hear about those things, and right in the middle told me about someone that she loves who seems to get it right. She spoke of another soul that could somehow stare a similar wound right in the face and tell its cause, "Im still gonna love, without condition." As she spoke these words, what hung in the air was this question, "how can you even do that?"
In that same moment I asked, "How do you think we can do that?" She said one word, Jesus, but then quickly followed it with, "but it isnt that simple...."
The air cleared for a second and then I found some words that were both strange and familiar at the same time, "when I come to a place like that... I say the words I dont think I can and I do the things I think I cannot do. Thats what it comes down to for me, when I strip away all of the other crap and get down to it, it really is that simple."
But what came after that is what I didnt realize until the words came right out of my mouth...
"When that happens, it kills me. Thats why I dont ever think I can and when I do it hurts more than anything. You see, thats what I always thought was happening, it was killing ME, and it is in a sense. In those moments when I say what I never thought I could or do what I never felt like I could, whats actually being killed, what is dying is my flesh, my selfish nature, what has been fighting against it in the first place. It feels so real because the more I make those choices the more of me that dies and the more Jesus that lives."
The soul that sat in front of me received those words with such grace.
Ever had a moment like that? Clarity. Honesty. Depth. Truth.
Ever come face to face with a moment soon after where you had to live out the words you gave to another? It came today, and I cried because the words werent there, and I didnt want to do anything... and thats when I realized why a phrase that has been rolling around in my head for weeks and a morning over breakfast tacos made so much sense....
"hard and holy things..."
Thats what I have been trying to wrap my mind around for weeks, trying to make sense of it and let the weight it kept making me feel somehow mean something. It all came flooding in so fast I could hardly keep up....
No, its not easy. Insert whatever it is for you in this space____________________________.
It hurts and it kills. My goodness, yes. Thats what sets it apart, the way it drains the life away from that part of us all that Jesus experienced death for, thats why its a hard and holy thing.
I didnt realize thats what was happening, all of these hard and holy things. I have been focused for so long on the fact that I have all these hard words to say and hard things to do, how it feels like its killing me all the time, but never for a second stopping to let Jesus tell me why its so necessary, and how its the best way for me to learn to live again. Because it may not be as complicated as I love to make it.
Brothers and sisters, I know it hurts and I know you dont think you can and I know you feel how its killing you and I know it is so very very hard. You are welcome here in this space, with all of us, as we come to breakfast taco mornings of saying the words, doing the things, both hard and holy.
All simply because of Jesus.
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