A heart that doesn't always live REDEEMED

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I go to sleep with thoughts… I wake up with thoughts…. I even dream the same ones in between.
It can be exhausting. I fight a battle every day, to live in the truth I am called to.

But, I don't do it and I admit that. 

The battle isn't with those around me, or even circumstances that my daily living is accustomed to: its my own thoughts, my own choices, my own insecurities that are so loud almost nothing else can be heard. When I mess up and slip back into a sin, a piece of darkness that I was "delivered" from, the spiral starts to spin…. those familiar enemies of fear and doubt and worry begin to roam in my heart. They mutter, whisper everything my flesh understands. 

Nothing can undo what I have broken. You cannot be loved or wanted when you have thoughts like this. No one will ever see past the facade or tear down the fortified wall. The dirty stains, the deep filth, the looming shadows don't just go away. Keep striving, keep working, keep controlling, keep walking in YOUR path because you cannot be good enough for anything else. Let me remind you of all thats happened, every flaw, every piece out of place, every wrong turn that you chose.
Until the mutters become shouts….
Until the whispers become screams….
Until I am stopped, laid down, fallen, and powerless to move.

But I am not flesh alone, there is a soul and spirit there. Another voice. One that I do start to recognize somewhere in the midst of everything else.
With the goodness of a Shepherd, the care of a Father, and the attentiveness of a Love, my hand is taken up, I am standing, and I hear "Let me show you this, let me wipe off the dirt and open your eyes to what has been done" as I am walking, I know the road… something is familiar and I have been here before. I come again into a shadow. I start to draw away and hold my breath, my hand is pulled forward firmly, with meek strength and look up to see the shadow is not from looming clouds or towers of darkness….. It is a cross

I am flooded with a different reality. I am reminded of another choice that was made and a life I was called to. The voice, the hand, it belonged to the one that hung on that cross. The Shepherd, the Father, the Love chose me and drew me to himself. He had not changed. His cross hadn't been undone. His love had not lessened. So why was I living and striving and controlling and walking as if I was not redeemed?

Today, I heard a piece of a song and in an instant it made sense "stop fighting a fight, its already been won" It was me in the worst of ways. The battle I am waging each day is old and finished, yet I allow it to linger… yes, I have flesh, and I cannot change that, but I am also covered.
Today, I received a call from a sweet sister in Christ and the loudest words that hit my heart were "I am covered in the blood of Christ, what would it looked like if I truly lived like that?!!" 

This gives me cause to seek differently, to give my soul the greatest freedom to live. All because I am covered in the blood of Christ, robed in a righteousness that is not of my own and could never be. I am not perfect, and I do fall and make mistakes and cause hurt and pain. Never can it change what the cross did for me. Every part of the law I broke, was met with grace, and is still being met with grace every day of my life. Never will I undo or break or tarnish the love of Christ.

The hand drew me, the voice beckoned me, to the CROSS.
It did not ever mutter, but only SHOUTED
It did not whisper, but only SCREAMED
"Sing your song of redemption now, and if you start to lose the words, look to My cross, rest and find strength in My Love"




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