When God didn't meet (MY) Expectations!
Today isn't what I thought it would be. Last week wasn't even close.
The past 6 months have not looked anything like the picture my mind had…..
My own ideas and plans seemed perfect, I was going to work for my college and go to graduate school, and achieve the hope and dream that was hovering over my life. But God called my heart to a camp in the wilderness and I came out 3 months later changed. My heart was not at rest with the path I was walking towards… I gave up the job, I gave up the degree, all the practical choices out the window.
Now it was just the simple matter of living and getting a job, and of course seeking God's will for my life…. it wasn't that simple.
I struggled for months in my efforts to make this life choice work. I leaned into loved ones for support in ways I desperately wanted to have independence. But, what could I do? Money didn't grow on trees so they tell me and something had to give soon, somewhere there had to be a door, window, or chiseled out corner for me to rest in. So many questions and wonderings and empty spaces.
"You just have to trust God and his plan"
"Keep seeking the Lord and he will reveal to you in his time"
"Tell him what is on your heart and he will listen"
"He will never leave you, trust in his promises and guidance"
Some of the many voices I heard, and for any time I spent on my knees crying out for answers or some bit of understanding, there did not seem to be much to go on. Why would I have had the desire or the burden I did, to let go of the security that was not my heart, only for you to be silent Lord? Why don't I have a job yet? Where are the answers and paths and peaceful joys?
Why aren't you saying anything to ME?
"BUT I AM"
"Wait, say what God?"
"I AM speaking to you daughter"
No, it wasn't an audible voice that spoke these words to me but the Holy Spirit grabbed my heart and opened my eyes so quick…. So I thought back. If God really was giving me words, what were they?
Everything was about who I had grown to be, and most of it highlighting areas of my life that needed to be changed: selfishness, hesitant love, fear coupled with worry, trusting almost nothing, insecurity and the list went on.
God had shown me the cross, grace depending on his love, mercy in my sins, a justified stance, balance that had been settled, monetary provision, his delight and thirst for me, his faithfulness despite our tendency to wander away, freedom wrapped in surrender to his call, answers to questions I had never asked, his complete knowledge of me, his goodness, his sharing in suffering, souls that felt with me and for me, redemption unchanged, and again the list could go on.
And then a few weeks ago I prayed and prayed and prayed some more for God to move in my life, please, then I heard it…."We need a true glimpse of God before we can be empowered to do the work he has for us in this world" He had been speaking all along, while I was crying out for answers to MY questions, he still met me amidst my blind eyes, deaf ears, and hardened heart… He gave me himself.
I expected a job. I expected peace. I expected a clear, cloudless direction of where to go and what to do. I expected an open door. I expected God to do what I had in mind to be good, true desires for my life. I expected that if I trusted God, he would provide.
My trust was tainted. I trusted that he would work, but I did not trust the WAY HE CHOSE to move in my life. I never felt so human and so redeemingly loved at the same time.
He knew better. He knew I needed to see him, in ways I had never before and in ways that needed to be molded and deepened. It was not my way, my thinking, my ideas. What I have found in the last 6 months is of more value than anything else my own dreams and passions could grant me.
I am getting to know my Jesus more, deeper, fuller, and clearer. He is coming to me and giving me himself as I am seeking other things. He is literally pursuing me in a way I have never deserved, refining who I am in a process that didn't make sense to me.
There are still cloudy days, some silent moments, some deep heart cries, some wonderings.
I still in no way have all the answers I think I need (want).
And no, God did not in any way meet my expectations……
Instead, he chose to break them and rebuild them. He chose to overwhelm them with a greater truth. He chose to surpass them. He chose to show me himself, which has been more than I could have ever asked for or sought after.
God knew me better.
The past 6 months have not looked anything like the picture my mind had…..
My own ideas and plans seemed perfect, I was going to work for my college and go to graduate school, and achieve the hope and dream that was hovering over my life. But God called my heart to a camp in the wilderness and I came out 3 months later changed. My heart was not at rest with the path I was walking towards… I gave up the job, I gave up the degree, all the practical choices out the window.
Now it was just the simple matter of living and getting a job, and of course seeking God's will for my life…. it wasn't that simple.
I struggled for months in my efforts to make this life choice work. I leaned into loved ones for support in ways I desperately wanted to have independence. But, what could I do? Money didn't grow on trees so they tell me and something had to give soon, somewhere there had to be a door, window, or chiseled out corner for me to rest in. So many questions and wonderings and empty spaces.
"You just have to trust God and his plan"
"Keep seeking the Lord and he will reveal to you in his time"
"Tell him what is on your heart and he will listen"
"He will never leave you, trust in his promises and guidance"
Some of the many voices I heard, and for any time I spent on my knees crying out for answers or some bit of understanding, there did not seem to be much to go on. Why would I have had the desire or the burden I did, to let go of the security that was not my heart, only for you to be silent Lord? Why don't I have a job yet? Where are the answers and paths and peaceful joys?
Why aren't you saying anything to ME?
"BUT I AM"
"Wait, say what God?"
"I AM speaking to you daughter"
No, it wasn't an audible voice that spoke these words to me but the Holy Spirit grabbed my heart and opened my eyes so quick…. So I thought back. If God really was giving me words, what were they?
Everything was about who I had grown to be, and most of it highlighting areas of my life that needed to be changed: selfishness, hesitant love, fear coupled with worry, trusting almost nothing, insecurity and the list went on.
God had shown me the cross, grace depending on his love, mercy in my sins, a justified stance, balance that had been settled, monetary provision, his delight and thirst for me, his faithfulness despite our tendency to wander away, freedom wrapped in surrender to his call, answers to questions I had never asked, his complete knowledge of me, his goodness, his sharing in suffering, souls that felt with me and for me, redemption unchanged, and again the list could go on.
And then a few weeks ago I prayed and prayed and prayed some more for God to move in my life, please, then I heard it…."We need a true glimpse of God before we can be empowered to do the work he has for us in this world" He had been speaking all along, while I was crying out for answers to MY questions, he still met me amidst my blind eyes, deaf ears, and hardened heart… He gave me himself.
I expected a job. I expected peace. I expected a clear, cloudless direction of where to go and what to do. I expected an open door. I expected God to do what I had in mind to be good, true desires for my life. I expected that if I trusted God, he would provide.
My trust was tainted. I trusted that he would work, but I did not trust the WAY HE CHOSE to move in my life. I never felt so human and so redeemingly loved at the same time.
He knew better. He knew I needed to see him, in ways I had never before and in ways that needed to be molded and deepened. It was not my way, my thinking, my ideas. What I have found in the last 6 months is of more value than anything else my own dreams and passions could grant me.
I am getting to know my Jesus more, deeper, fuller, and clearer. He is coming to me and giving me himself as I am seeking other things. He is literally pursuing me in a way I have never deserved, refining who I am in a process that didn't make sense to me.
There are still cloudy days, some silent moments, some deep heart cries, some wonderings.
I still in no way have all the answers I think I need (want).
And no, God did not in any way meet my expectations……
Instead, he chose to break them and rebuild them. He chose to overwhelm them with a greater truth. He chose to surpass them. He chose to show me himself, which has been more than I could have ever asked for or sought after.
God knew me better.
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